Entry 9

The Red Wings won game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals tonight it was a pretty good game. I really enjoyed just staying home and watching it. I have become so boring I am afraid, I really don't like to go out anymore. It truly is sad seeing as I am only 23 years old. But I guess that just happens when you have a personality like mine.

Once again I am sitting online at midnight wide awake for no reason at all. I have become unable to sleep lately. And no matter how late I go bed I still can't seem to sleep past 9am, it is truly a lost cause. I guess this blog is just a bunch of random blabbing but I wanted to make sure I got a entry in before the night was through no matter how pointless it might have been. I am really trying to keep up with this journal but my own sanity, although I still find myself filtering my feeling though for the fear that it will be found and the wrong things will be read.

Entry 8

Devin and I went to the zoo today!! He's 24 years old and had never been to the zoo. It was an adventure and I loved every minute. It was sunny but still cool so most of the animals were out and about day, great pictures.

Entry 7

I guess we were all just fools thinking that you were going to live forever. We knew you were sick but never thought you were going to actually leave us. You were an angel to so many people but never let yourself believe it. Cancer is such an ugly thing and even uglier when someone beautiful has to loose there life to it. Don't worry Jay I'll watch out for her like I always promised you I would. It's going to hurt for a long time but someday she will learn to have some kind of a life without you by her side.

Rest in peace beautiful boy, real peace knowing that everything will be taken care of now. You were loved so much. Although we are all sad that you are gone now, we are also happy that you no longer have to live in pain for our selfishness of having you here.

I love you Jason

Entry 6

I made a choice today, it's just another step to finally being feel of the the pain. I decided yesterday that I wanted to attempted to make a complete scrapbook of our trip to the Bahamas in August, but I didn't want to by another scrapbook that I wasn't going to be able to finish. So I took all the pages out of the book I started of John and I making the decision that I would just replace the pages with new ones and use the same outside cover. I kept all the pages and just placed them in my hope chest, but there is no reason to let that beautiful book go to waste. I am so looking forward to starting this project. I just wish the trip would get here so I can.

SO EXCITED!!

Entry 5

"Shut-Up And Kiss Me"

Entry 4

I love this picture so much. I don't know why but I just do. He makes me so giddy inside. The hoedown this year was so much fun. I wish we could relive it every weekend, even if we had to freeze our ass off at night. It was worth it for the music, the fun and to just be us. We are justa bunch of country kids, try to find where we fit in.

Entry 3

I should have figured when I was laying in bed and couldn't sleep that there was something wrong. So I did what I would normally do I logged into myspace and there it was his face and a message. "We should catch up login to AIM, I'm considering divorce." You think just because you leave your wife that means you have a shot with me? That is never going to happen. First off I have not completely healed from the bruises you left internally although they don't show on the outside anymore, but I would never go back to you. I was young and stupid then but you will not get in my head anymore. I am better then you, I am better then being hit and I am better then being raped almost everyday. What we had was not love and I am sorry that you never got over that. As sad as this sounds the best thing that ever happened was the day my body decided our daughter shouldn't live in this hell. Your a monster and I will never forgive you for the pain you put me through. Leave me alone.

Entry 2

Today was one of those days where I just wasn't feeling like myself, well at least for most of the morning and afternoon. I felt like I could snap at any moment and I didn't want ot be at work at all today. Honestly I just need a break from the world. I need to take it easy and not have to worry about anything, money, life, Ava, bills, my weight, ect. I just wish this trip to the Bahamas would get here so I can finally just enjoy myself.

Finally tonight I started to feel better,Devin and I did our usual, the thing I love the most. We watch hockey together, game 5 of the Western Conference Semifinals and the Red Wings beat the Black Hawks. It was amazing. It was an overtime game but it was still great. The final score was 2-1. Over all today was a good day, tomorrow will be better. Last day of the work week and then a little break. Thank god for that. I just want to rest.

Entry 1

This was suppose to be a place where I posted a picture everyday for a year but I need this place to be sometime different. I need it to be what livejournal was for me all of those years ago while I posted random thoughts a million and one times a day just to get them out of my head because I had no one to speak to. This will be my safe place because no one knows it is here and I have the freedom to express exactly how I feel without a filter. I guess I will still be capturing the moments of the next year.

For the first time in over two and a half years I can say I am over it. I'M OVER YOU!! I saw a picture she posted of the two of you together at her graduation and the sight of you made me sick of my stomach. I have none of those feelings I use to have. I never thought I would at this place I thought I would go through the rest of my life asking the "what if's" but honestly fuck the what if's and fuck you to. I don't care what you do with your life because I've found something better and I still believe she just uses you for your families money. But if your happy that's all that matters, because I'm happy and I don't need you anymore.