Entry 20

So here I sit at Children's Hospital awaiting to have yet another surgery. Internally I am unsure how I feel about it, this is a new procedure so I am know I am not completely feeling fine. I am being transfered from a VP shunt to a VA shunt. I'm scared but I am so numb I don't know what to do. I'm scared that somethings going to happen to my hart but I have to trust that every thing is going to be ok.

Entry 19

Why is it that you feel the need to keep things for me? I knew there was a reason you wanted to go up north last weekend alone, I just wish you would have been honest with me. Now your telling me you have to go up there again on Saturday because you have a job interview? Do you just expect me to drop everything I have here and move away? I told you before that I don't want to live in West Branch, there is nothing up there. I need more stimulation in my daily life then a 3 road town. I don't know how we are going to talk about this when you get home without fighting because it is going to hurt your feelings the way that I feel. But I just can't move to a place that boring. I guess you could move back home and we could see each other on the weekends. but do we really want to live that way? I don't know. I don't know what to do or think I just need time. Why do you throw things at me like this?

Entry 18

We leave for Florida in about 2 weeks now and I am so excited. I am trying not to think about how much money it is going to cost because it is a once in a life time vacation and we should just enjoy ourselves. You only live once right? I worried about money so much on the last cruise I really didn't have a good time, plus I wasn't really with anyone to enjoy myself. Devin and I will have a great time on this trip it is my goal, my mission. I just wish money would come fast and so would time.

Entry 17

This is the first time in over a year and a half I can honestly say I have been mad at him. I wanted him to stickup for me, be a man and stick up for us. But instead he is at home with his parents this weekend and I am home, because apparently he was told "I wasn't allowed to come along." I don't believe I am being over sensative about this. I had major surgery on Tuesday and I believe that we should be together this weekend no matter where we are, but instead we are seperated. I hate this. So I am wake venting in this blog while he sleeps like a baby in West Branch. I want him to take care of me. I am always the one that takes care of him, it's my turn. I just want to be cuddled in his arms, even if he is afraid that he is going to hurt me. This might be clinging but god I miss him, I don't know how to sleep without him next to me even though I am crazy tried right now.

And can someone explain to me why in gods name I am craving Chinese food? I don't even like Chinese Food?!?!?