Entry 25

I only look forward to the weekends anymore. I know that he is going to be here tomorrow and I can ignore the world til Sunday night early Monday morning. I am so terribly lonely and I know he feels the same way.

I am depressed and my family doesn't even seem to notice. They don't even seem to notice me. It's always about Kylie these days. Hello did you forget about me, you child that doesn't always get in trouble. Like heres an example i went to the grocery store with my mom today and she had a one track mind on what Kylie needed for lunchs while she was going to WAMS. Hello she wouldn't be going to this if she didn't get in trouble. I have managed to never get in trouble, why can't she.

I don't know maybe I just have a short fuse lately. But come on.

Entry 24

I need you now......

I have so many happy memories of the 7 years we spents together. I haven't thought about him in months and then I walk into the gym and see his face standing in front of me. It was enough to knock the wind out of my lungs and I could feel the tears. I know you have to let the past go to move on, but I have no closure at all. I still save the old voicemails because listening to his voice brings back everything for me.

I would love to go on vacation to the big apple but I don't know if mentally I am ready for that. I know it's a big city and I would never see him there, but knowing he would be less then 30 minutes away maybe still hurt to bad.

How do you le it go? I really need help.

Entry 24

Entry 23

I love that you are trying to be sneaking...but seriously lets be honest you suck at it. I know for a fact you are going to pull into my drive way in less then 45 minutes but I am going to do what a amazing girl friend should do, I'm going to act like that I was completely clueless. I am going to make you believe that I had no idea and that I still thought you were coming in the morning.

It's not that act that mathers, it's really the thought that counts. God I love you.

Entry 22

The Bahamas was wonderful I wish we would have never come home. Everything seemed so perfect in that island paradise and now I feel like my world is spinning out of controll. When we were away and it was just him and I, I forgot about being sick and just lived every moment to the fullest. Nothing could break us, we were on Cloud 9. And then we land back in Michigan and I get the heart renching news that you are moving back to West Branch to go to school. It's been days since I've had this news and sometimes I feel like we can do this and other times I feel like I am drowning to breathe.

You are my shinning light after so long, nothing makes sense when you aren't here. I just wish I had an idea of how often we are going to be able to see each other. My fear is, your going to forget about me and find someone better. And no matter how many times you tell me that isn't going to happen, it's still in the back of my head.

Entry 21

Thank you for comng back into my life. It's been years the summer before we started highschool was the last time we were even remotely this close. We have both changed so much as people in those years, but it's easy to see we are the same two kids who had that amazing summer together. Talking to you last night for over an hour was something I needed so badly I can't even explain it to you, you took me back to one of the happiest times of my life. Before I got sick and before you got cancer. When all that matter was sneaking out of the house and making out in the woods. I wish I was that care free spirit now, the girl who would do anything when it came to you, speed bumps included. Instead we sit miles apart talking over the computer still not saying a million and one things on our minds. The what ifs in my head are endless. I can't explain to you how you made me feel then or how you still make me feel now because it would just be wrong. There are complications boyfriends, wives and beautiful children. Just know I am happy your here and loosing you again would break my heart.

Entry 20

So here I sit at Children's Hospital awaiting to have yet another surgery. Internally I am unsure how I feel about it, this is a new procedure so I am know I am not completely feeling fine. I am being transfered from a VP shunt to a VA shunt. I'm scared but I am so numb I don't know what to do. I'm scared that somethings going to happen to my hart but I have to trust that every thing is going to be ok.

Entry 19

Why is it that you feel the need to keep things for me? I knew there was a reason you wanted to go up north last weekend alone, I just wish you would have been honest with me. Now your telling me you have to go up there again on Saturday because you have a job interview? Do you just expect me to drop everything I have here and move away? I told you before that I don't want to live in West Branch, there is nothing up there. I need more stimulation in my daily life then a 3 road town. I don't know how we are going to talk about this when you get home without fighting because it is going to hurt your feelings the way that I feel. But I just can't move to a place that boring. I guess you could move back home and we could see each other on the weekends. but do we really want to live that way? I don't know. I don't know what to do or think I just need time. Why do you throw things at me like this?

Entry 18

We leave for Florida in about 2 weeks now and I am so excited. I am trying not to think about how much money it is going to cost because it is a once in a life time vacation and we should just enjoy ourselves. You only live once right? I worried about money so much on the last cruise I really didn't have a good time, plus I wasn't really with anyone to enjoy myself. Devin and I will have a great time on this trip it is my goal, my mission. I just wish money would come fast and so would time.

Entry 17

This is the first time in over a year and a half I can honestly say I have been mad at him. I wanted him to stickup for me, be a man and stick up for us. But instead he is at home with his parents this weekend and I am home, because apparently he was told "I wasn't allowed to come along." I don't believe I am being over sensative about this. I had major surgery on Tuesday and I believe that we should be together this weekend no matter where we are, but instead we are seperated. I hate this. So I am wake venting in this blog while he sleeps like a baby in West Branch. I want him to take care of me. I am always the one that takes care of him, it's my turn. I just want to be cuddled in his arms, even if he is afraid that he is going to hurt me. This might be clinging but god I miss him, I don't know how to sleep without him next to me even though I am crazy tried right now.

And can someone explain to me why in gods name I am craving Chinese food? I don't even like Chinese Food?!?!?

Entry 16

I saw "My Sisters Keeper" tonight and all I could think through the whole movie was how it paralleled my life. Although I would be the sick sister in our story. No one ever really thought of all she had to go through and still goes through when things get bad for me. Honestly I don't even know if the two of us have had a conversation about how shes feels when I get sick. My parents really have always focused on me when it comes down to it. I feel like I really need to say sorry for that. Although she will never understand what it feels like to be me, sometimes like the girl in the movie I wish I could just give up. It really sucks to not be normal.

Entry 15

Mark is on a road trip on his way home, I have such butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. He gives me this giddy feeling everytime we talk and I seriously think I may just faint when I see him in a few days. I know that we have been friends for over 10 years now but I still get so speechless when he is standing infront of me. I really hope we get to spend some quality time together and get to maybr talk somethings out. He should be here in a few days. ::sigh::

Entry 14

A day filled with medical issues....

I know that it's not right to have a pity party about this but sue me it's about to happen so if you don't want to read it, just skip right on over this entry. I have spent the past 23 years of my life being the sick child in my family. I mean I have good weeks, even months but most of my life I have had to be careful because everything makes me sick or can lead to it. Today was just one of those days when I wanted to scream from the roof tops how much I hate HYDROCEPHALUS!! I wish I could just be normal for a minute. For god sake I can't even sneeze without getting a headache, that is about crazy. It was one damn sneeze and I officially suffered for over 2 hours that's bull shit.

And then I finally went to see Dr. Feldman about the "clicking" in my left hip that has been going on since the stoke. Apparently I have tendinitis, which causes the clicking and the pain. So now I am in more pain because the asshole stuck a needle in it today and injected it with medicine. OUCH!! It's numb and I can barely walk.

Today sucked. Oh yeah and I can't sleep!!!

Entry 13

I am so excited we are going to see Clay Walker tonight at DTE, I just realy hope it doesn't rain. The last time I saw him I went with Nicholas and it was freezing I need to redo it and make a new memorie. I need to forget about things Nick and I did together. I need to forget about the person I knew because he doesn't exisit anymore. She killed him.

Entry 12

I don't know why I do it, why I read old emails between us. It was years ago but god it feels like yesterday that he walked out of my life for her. It makes me sick inside how much I have missed since they have been together. Sal god married, had a baby and Johns loving grandma passed away. The only way I know all of these things is bcause of things he posts on facebook. It is so sick how things change over time. We use to talk hours every single day and never run out of things to tell one another. I honestly can't remember the sound of his voice for the life of me. Maybe that is for the best. I took apart or scrapbook, because I need to use it for something more possitive. I know what everyone thinks when I talk about how it still kills me inside, just get over it. It was so long ago. Honestly somedays I am just fine and others it feels like it just happened and I want to crawl into a ball. It's the little things that trigger the pain. I wonder if he still thinks about me. Should I try to email him? I had a dream about him the other night it was so real I had tog et out of bed to get him out of my head. I hate that I hate thinking about him, I use to love it.

Entry 11

Rest In Peace

Entry 10

Getting more excited about the cruise as it gets closer, it is offically 61 days from today that we all get on a plane and head to Florida. I am so looking forward to all the family shanagans that we will be getting into together. I need the sunshine badly. Devin and I rolled all the change we have saved in the past few months it surprised us that we had already saved over $80. I am getting so excited!!

Entry 9

The Red Wings won game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals tonight it was a pretty good game. I really enjoyed just staying home and watching it. I have become so boring I am afraid, I really don't like to go out anymore. It truly is sad seeing as I am only 23 years old. But I guess that just happens when you have a personality like mine.

Once again I am sitting online at midnight wide awake for no reason at all. I have become unable to sleep lately. And no matter how late I go bed I still can't seem to sleep past 9am, it is truly a lost cause. I guess this blog is just a bunch of random blabbing but I wanted to make sure I got a entry in before the night was through no matter how pointless it might have been. I am really trying to keep up with this journal but my own sanity, although I still find myself filtering my feeling though for the fear that it will be found and the wrong things will be read.

Entry 8

Devin and I went to the zoo today!! He's 24 years old and had never been to the zoo. It was an adventure and I loved every minute. It was sunny but still cool so most of the animals were out and about day, great pictures.

Entry 7

I guess we were all just fools thinking that you were going to live forever. We knew you were sick but never thought you were going to actually leave us. You were an angel to so many people but never let yourself believe it. Cancer is such an ugly thing and even uglier when someone beautiful has to loose there life to it. Don't worry Jay I'll watch out for her like I always promised you I would. It's going to hurt for a long time but someday she will learn to have some kind of a life without you by her side.

Rest in peace beautiful boy, real peace knowing that everything will be taken care of now. You were loved so much. Although we are all sad that you are gone now, we are also happy that you no longer have to live in pain for our selfishness of having you here.

I love you Jason

Entry 6

I made a choice today, it's just another step to finally being feel of the the pain. I decided yesterday that I wanted to attempted to make a complete scrapbook of our trip to the Bahamas in August, but I didn't want to by another scrapbook that I wasn't going to be able to finish. So I took all the pages out of the book I started of John and I making the decision that I would just replace the pages with new ones and use the same outside cover. I kept all the pages and just placed them in my hope chest, but there is no reason to let that beautiful book go to waste. I am so looking forward to starting this project. I just wish the trip would get here so I can.

SO EXCITED!!

Entry 5

"Shut-Up And Kiss Me"

Entry 4

I love this picture so much. I don't know why but I just do. He makes me so giddy inside. The hoedown this year was so much fun. I wish we could relive it every weekend, even if we had to freeze our ass off at night. It was worth it for the music, the fun and to just be us. We are justa bunch of country kids, try to find where we fit in.

Entry 3

I should have figured when I was laying in bed and couldn't sleep that there was something wrong. So I did what I would normally do I logged into myspace and there it was his face and a message. "We should catch up login to AIM, I'm considering divorce." You think just because you leave your wife that means you have a shot with me? That is never going to happen. First off I have not completely healed from the bruises you left internally although they don't show on the outside anymore, but I would never go back to you. I was young and stupid then but you will not get in my head anymore. I am better then you, I am better then being hit and I am better then being raped almost everyday. What we had was not love and I am sorry that you never got over that. As sad as this sounds the best thing that ever happened was the day my body decided our daughter shouldn't live in this hell. Your a monster and I will never forgive you for the pain you put me through. Leave me alone.

Entry 2

Today was one of those days where I just wasn't feeling like myself, well at least for most of the morning and afternoon. I felt like I could snap at any moment and I didn't want ot be at work at all today. Honestly I just need a break from the world. I need to take it easy and not have to worry about anything, money, life, Ava, bills, my weight, ect. I just wish this trip to the Bahamas would get here so I can finally just enjoy myself.

Finally tonight I started to feel better,Devin and I did our usual, the thing I love the most. We watch hockey together, game 5 of the Western Conference Semifinals and the Red Wings beat the Black Hawks. It was amazing. It was an overtime game but it was still great. The final score was 2-1. Over all today was a good day, tomorrow will be better. Last day of the work week and then a little break. Thank god for that. I just want to rest.

Entry 1

This was suppose to be a place where I posted a picture everyday for a year but I need this place to be sometime different. I need it to be what livejournal was for me all of those years ago while I posted random thoughts a million and one times a day just to get them out of my head because I had no one to speak to. This will be my safe place because no one knows it is here and I have the freedom to express exactly how I feel without a filter. I guess I will still be capturing the moments of the next year.

For the first time in over two and a half years I can say I am over it. I'M OVER YOU!! I saw a picture she posted of the two of you together at her graduation and the sight of you made me sick of my stomach. I have none of those feelings I use to have. I never thought I would at this place I thought I would go through the rest of my life asking the "what if's" but honestly fuck the what if's and fuck you to. I don't care what you do with your life because I've found something better and I still believe she just uses you for your families money. But if your happy that's all that matters, because I'm happy and I don't need you anymore.